Dutch Oven Tortoise...

I love My Sweet Hubby (MSH). There has never been anyone else that makes me laugh harder than him. (Although TLC runs a very close second and now Little Leighton is about to be in The Top Three Sillies That Make ELC Laugh Out Loud.)

MSH has had hearing “issues” for at least twenty of the almost 37 years we’ve been together. For the first ten years of this twenty, as we noticed his hearing was, in fact,  getting bad, I often accused him of “selective” hearing. I clearly remember a trip we (MSH, TLC and moi) made, about sixteen-ish years ago, to Ft. Worth. For some shopping and dinner out. MSH was driving one of his many Tahoes he’s owned over the years. TLC and I were sitting in the back. This wasn’t normal. Normally one of us would be in the front with him. We didn’t usually make him “chauffeur” us. I’m remembering he wanted to listen to a new CD he’d bought and TLC and I had some chattin’ we needed to do.

So that we wouldn’t disturb him as he listened to his music, we were talking in our low, quiet voices. We soon discovered he could hear every word we were saying. Despite the road noise. Despite his music. And with us virtually whispering. He alleged it was because he could hear “deeper” tones—as opposed to our typically shrill high voices? Whatever. We’d been suspecting he wasn’t quite as deaf as he tried to make us all believe.

He bought his first pair of hearing aides about fourteen years ago. They honestly help. A lot. When he wears them. However, he doesn’t like to wear them at home. (Unless we have company—then he’ll begrudgingly put them in.) We've simply learned to talk really loud to him.

This is the conversation I witnessed a few days ago, when TLC and Little Leighton Facetimed us on our iPad (MSH was sitting in HIS Chair. I was sitting next to him, holding the iPad so TLC and Little Leighton could see us both):

MSH: Did you ever get that Le Creuset Dutch oven you wanted?

TLC: Yes, Dad. You’ve forgotten I used a Christmas gift card and got it a few days after Christmas.

MSH: Oh, right. I remember now. Have you used it yet?

TLC: Yes, Dad. You’ve forgotten I told you I used it last week—I made short ribs in it.

MSH (as his pretty brown eyes got HUGE...): Tortoise? You cooked tortoise?

At this point, TLC and I looked at him to make sure he was, in fact, seriously asking if she had cooked a tortoise in her new LeCreuset Dutch oven. We stared at each other, via the iPad, with complete and utter disbelief. Then, well, we laughed. And laughed. And laughed.

ELC: Let me get this straight: You just asked TLC if she cooked a tortoise?

MSH: Well, that’s what it sounded like.

ELC: It sounded like tortoise. Even though you’ve never cooked a tortoise and you’ve never known TLC to cook a tortoise, you truly thought that’s what she said? Seems like right before you’d let that come out of your mouth, your brain would tell you that couldn’t possibly be what she said and you’d make the quick decision NOT to ask her that question. Instead, the smarter response might have been: I’m sorry—what did you say?’”


TLC lovingly calls him LF. For “Little Fruitcake.” I believe that’s a reference to what Suzanne Sugarbaker would often call Bernice on Designing Women.

I've suggested to TLC that she might try cooking a tortoise next week. In her new Le Creuset Dutch oven. I’m sure she’ll let us all know how it comes out.

Sheesh.